I was going to put off talking about Jenna in my blog;grave

as you can imagine, it's not my favorite thing to talk about. But my least favorite song in the world came on the radio yesterday, If I die Young by the Band Perry (hence the quote from the song in the title) and I felt I needed to talk about it.

If this song came out 6+years ago, it probably would have been one of my favorite songs, and I can definitely appreciate it still; but I cannot and will not listen to it. I will ask complete strangers to turn if off in public because, for some reason, crying/ panic attacks in public aren't my favorite thing.

Background: For anyone who doesn't know, I lost my 9 year old sister to Brain cancer in 2010. It was the hardest thing I have ever experienced in my life, and I miss her every day. I am finally to the point where I can talk about her and laugh at the good times we had together. However, some things will forever get to me; like this song.

So of course, for the obvious reasons, this song depresses me to no end. It perfectly sums up what it is like to lose someone young which needs its own song because, popular to contrary belief, is nothing like losing a grandmother. (Background: Literally 10 people came up to me at Jenna's funeral and said "I understand what you are going through, I lost my grandmother to cancer too.) I understand that losing a grandmother is terrible, but it is nothing like losing your 9 year old sister.

I chose the line of the song that I did for my title because that is the point I really would like to focus on in this blog:

"A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I've been singing
Funny, when you're dead how people start listen'n"

-The Band Perry

This line is the real reason I cannot listen to this song; it makes me angry. This is the most accurate thing the Band Perry could have possible said to describe death.

While everyone loved Jenna when she was healthy, more people began to suddenly care about her when she became sick. People tried to befriend my family and me so they would have the chance to pat themselves on the back and feel like they did something good. My family and I called them "funeral chasers". Because after Jenna passed, another kid named Joe Kelly from Lisbon got brain cancer; and of course those same people were there.

Don't get me wrong, I am happy with the community coming together; but if you were there when Jenna was sick and at her funeral, but just disappeared from our lives a few months after, did you ever REALLY care about Jenna or our family?

No, I don't think you did.

If the only pictures you have of you andenna were when she was on the steroids, then you were not around her long enough prior to her getting sick to consider your self her friend. If her story touched your heart in some way, that is totally different. I love the people who say they hug their children a little tighter now because of the story, but that does not give you the right to claim you were her best friend or try to use her to get attention.

jen

This line really should read "funny when your dead AND dying how people start listening."

I think about Jenna everyday; but I also thought about Jenna every day BEFORE she was sick.

oldjen

Before she was "famous" (As she use to say when she would see the posters up for her fundraiser."

So that is why I will never be okay with listening to this song in public.

old jen

I am not sure if I will blog about Jenna again, but we will see. I try to not let my loss of my sister define me.

"I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become."

jenna

*Note* This post is definitely NOT aimed at the amazing people that supported us by coming to Jenna's Funeral or her benefit. It is aimed at the select few who used Jenna as a way to look good to the public. Those people that comforted us at public events and claimed to be extremely close with our family, but stopped caring when the cameras went away. This is for the few people that were telling stories about Jenna at her funeral, but never actually lived those stories. This is for the people that only cared to add a good deed to their resume.

Also note that I absolutely love the community of Lisbon for coming together to support my family during this time. Again, this post is just aimed at a select few, not the general population.

jenn